Tempted
I feel like a little cloud hangs over me today. I’m not looking forward to my weigh-in in a couple hours. I’m getting frustrated… with my weight loss and with myself. I’m not committing, not like I should. I’m trying (I say), but it seems like I just keep hanging out in the same place, just like I have for the last 2 years.
Here’s the thing, I lost a bunch of weight and then I just stayed there. For almost TWO YEARS. And now I’m actually making an effort to lose it and I just keep hovering around the same number. I got on my little home Weight Watchers scale this morning so I could prepare myself for what I’m about to encounter at my official Weigh-In. It claims I gained, even though I thought I was doing well this week. And since my home WW scale is around 1.5 lbs light compared to the official meeting scale. So, that means I gained even more than I think. And I’m just sick of it.
I know it’s me. I KNOW it’s me. I know I’m not counting every single morsel. I know I’m not working out like I should. I know I’m not getting balanced nutrition. I’m relying on processed snacks a lot (100 Calorie packs are not a meal!). I’m not drinking enough water. I’m not eating enough fruits and veggies. I’m so tired of feeling all riled up and motivated, only to become exhausted by mid-week or hurt myself or oh… I don’t know, want to have a life. It’s moments like this that I wish I was willing to take shortcuts. Diet pills, surgery, whatever… but I’m not. I know I can do this on my own.
I just want to effing DO IT ALREADY. As happy and proud as I am when I hear that others losing huge amounts, sometimes I admittedly feel a little envious. I remember when I used to drop it like that. The more you lose the smaller the numbers get and right now, I feel like I’m peeling off ounces in a month, not pounds. And what’s sad, is I still have quite a bit to lose! I mean 60-70lbs is nothing to sneeze at!
I’m just realizing now that I can’t do the same stuff I used to do when I first started Weight Watchers 3 years ago. I just can’t. I thought I could, but I think because I’ve basically been living that same lifestyle for that long, I’ve acclimated to it. Hence, the 2-year plateau. Then I started to gain a few pounds, so I figured that getting fired up about WW again and doing Walk Away the Pounds and eating the same kinds of snacks and stuff I used to, would just start the ball rolling again.
Newsflash: the ball ain’t rollin’. It’s a wobble, at best.
I need to find a happy medium and I need to find something that isn’t going to consume me. I still want to do Weight Watchers because I firmly believe in the Plan. I know it works, I’ve seen it work and I know it can work for me, maybe the Core Plan (but definitely not Wendi — it works, but it’s too touchy for me right now). I think I just need to surrender my fantasies of being a Super Woman and I also need to let go of “how it used to be”. I’m not 307 lbs anymore. And this episode of Joelle Shrinks Her Ass is a totally different show. That was then. This is now.
“Now” meaning, “shut up and do it already”. Thus concludes my gripe session for today.